《西方幽默三百篇》

CONTENTS2

1．The Friend’s Suitcase2

2．A Kind-Hearted Man2

3．Keep an Eye on Me4

4．Mind Your Ice-Cream4

5．A Marvellous Place to Drive4

6．A Space to Park the Car4

7．He Owes You ￡506

8．A Special Announcement6

9．To Be Born There6

10．No Need to Hurry6

11．Change at Edinburgh8

12．The Same Number8

13．Turn the Metre Off10

14．AMessage of a Gent10

15．I Hit You Right10

17．Please Make It One Hundred12

16．Room for Three Inside12

18．Don’t Do It Again14

19．Running the Wrong Direction14

20．How We’ve Missed You14

21．At the Lost Property Office16

22．I’m Only 1316

23．She Wasn’t When We Got On16

25．Pay-As-You-Leave18

26．There’s No Hurry18

24．QuickWit18

27．The Dog and the Seat20

28．They Came to See Me Off20

29．Is It Wembley20

30．Making Pretence22

31．Cough into the Tyres22

32．Good Lord！Stop！24

33．Not Lending It to You24

34．You’ve Drowned My Lad24

36．That’s Just the Trouble26

37．See You Miles Away26

35．Map of London26

38．The Use of Timetables28

39．Can’t You Go Faster？28

40．Hold onto the Rail for Me28

41．How Much Do I Owe You？30

42．Different Times30

43．Giving Evidence30

44．The Strangest People32

47．Turkey Sandwich34

45．Speak Our Mother Tongue34

46．Both34

48．At a Cheap Place36

49．One Lamb Chop36

50．No Money to Pay the Bill36

51．Wait for Your Turn38

52．Asking for an Umbrella38

54．Language Trouble40

55．With Royal Permission40

53．Self Service40

56．A More Appropriate Wording42

57．The Soup42

58．What Does It Matter？44

59．Getting the Proper Use of It44

60．Contradiction44

61．For Motorists Only46

62．With Free Colour TV46

63．Mr and Mrs Genuine Cowhide46

64．Father and Son48

65．Caught in the Same Trap50

66．The Door Opened at Night50

67．The Fly and the Nail52

68．No Fee54

69．A Good Lesson56

70．Isn’t It Wonderful58

71．Too Late58

72．Medicine to Cure a Headache58

73．Haven’t I Met You Before？60

76．Kings Are Scarce62

74．Hardly So62

75．The Queen in Progress62

77．Why Nobleman？64

78．Apologizing64

79．An Untold Tragedy66

80．What to Talk about66

81．A Warning Sign66

82．The Differences68

83．A Dog for Sale68

84．A Valuable Old Master70

85．Who Laugh More72

86．Near Our Money72

87．Attentive to Duty74

88．Extolling74

89．That’s Nothing74

90．At Poets’Corner76

92．Playing a Guitar78

93．Nearer My Son78

91．Pouring with Rain78

94．Just Babies80

95．Definition of Twins80

96．Where to Do Their Jobs80

97．Great Expectation82

98．That’s Quite All Right82

99．A Very Serious Crime84

100．To Keep Elephants Away84

102．Perfectly Calm86

101．Talking Him Out86

103．A Sure Sign of Death88

104．30 Years to Learn How88

105．What’s Your Desirc？88

106．That’s Only a Mirror90

107．Nobody Leave the Room90

108．Putting a Statue90

109．A Good Suggestion92

110．A Job92

112．Necessary Resolutions94

111．BothJumped94

113．A Waterproof Coat96

114．What Am I Afraid of？96

115．A Grand Experience96

116．That’s the Lift98

117．Dogs Must Be Carried98

118．Wonderment100

119．A Letter from Home100

121．Three Men’s Outfitters102

120．I’m Now in Palace102

122．A Rare Pistol104

123．Why Not Get a Job104

124．Lord Moneybag’s Income106

125．Help，Help106

126．How Sorry Are You？106

127．Used to Be Like You108

128．Deafand Dumb108

130．Finding Way in Fog110

129．Tax-Collecting Skill110

131．Dream and Reality112

132．The Least Reward114

133．A Big Hoax116

134．It’s Only 1978 Now118

135．Your Suicide’s Turned Up118

136．I’m Off118

137．Chloroform120

138．There’s More Light Here120

141．Holes for the Cats122

139．Looking for a Name122

140．Use a Pencil First122

142．She Must Be Hollow124

143．Pressing the Door Bell124

144．The Parrot’s Trick126

145．Try Not to Slam Them126

146．Getting the Sheep In128

147．Going to a Lecture128

148．I’ve Only Just Got Here130

149．Do as I Do130

150．Asking for a Repeat132

152．Blood Only134

153．Parochialism134

151 The Very Same Story134

154．Refusing to Be Impressed136

155．You May Pay Double136

156．Take 2 Chairs Then136

157．Pestering138

158．He’s the Zero140

159．He Did Die140

160．Love when Mad140

161．Any Worse Dancer than Me140

162．How about Tomorrow140

163．Mother and“Daughter”142

164．Retribution142

165．Cook as Taught to142

167．A Birthday Present144

168．Save the Whole Lot144

166．Wait Just 5 Minutes144

169．Curing the Amnesia146

170．Posting a Letter148

171．All’s in My Wife’s Name148

172．No Exaggerating148

173．After a Short Drinking150

174．If Anything Happened150

175．Grandmother’s Hair150

178．To Ministry of Pension152

179．The Salutes152

177．A Great Place for the Family152

176．Don’t Want Him to Hear Her152

180．The Early Bird Catches the Worm154

181．Asking for a Recipe154

182．I Dared Him to Come154

183．The Perfect Parliamentary Answer156

184．Well Irrigated156

185．More than an Art156

187．Not Counting the Years158

188．Answering Roll Call158

186．Victor Hugo’s Question Mark158

189．Nationality160

190．A Loose-Leaf History Book160

191．Disarmament160

192．A Trap160

193．Butter like the Last162

194．The Importance of One Letter162

195．School—Slow164

196．Researching Work164

197．She Didn’t Help Me164

198．I Could166

199．You Put Him to Sleep166

200．A Synonym166

201．Emotional Explanation166

204．About Milton168

205．The Elephant’s Baby168

206．False Teeth168

202．None168

203．All Dead168

207．The Chief Product of Cuba170

208．The Shape ofthe Earth170

209．An Example170

210．Four minus One170

211．Four minus Four170

214．Black Hens and White Hens172

215．Asking for a Sick Leave172

213．The Difference172

212．A Boxer’s Motto172

216．A Stolen Poem174

217．A Well-known Saying174

218．It’s the Answers176

219．The Last Question176

220．To Have Something Right176

221．A History Exam176

222．Greeting Each Other178

223．All Work for Nothing178

224．Brief Letters178

227．A Proverb180

225．Asking for Money180

226．Great Achievement180

228．A Worthy Learner of Languages182

229．A Skin Doctor182

230．Final Exam Paper182

231．A Man of Actions186

232．Oxford Men and Cambridge Men186

233．An Enigmatical Motto186

234．Convincing188

237．An Orator Making His Point190

235．No Trouble at All190

236．A Brilliant Linguist190

238．Nothing in between the Ears192

239．A Bare-foot Doctor194

240．Fetching Medicine194

241．To Have a Bad Tooth Filled196

242．To Give Up Smoking196

243．Gaining Weight196

246．Who’s Peeping at Your Letter？198

245．Is the Ball Very Expensive？198

244．￡8，000 a Year198

247．A Christmas Psesent200

248．An Uncomfortable Seat200

249．A Mixed Infant202

250．To Watch It Ache202

251．God Save the Queen202

255．All Right for the Zoo？204

254．One Way Only204

253．60 at Least204

252．Pair of Socks204

256．Mind Your Own Business206

257．The Quickest Way206

258．Keep It in the House206

259．Waiting to Be Served208

260．On Board Nelson’s“Victory”208

261．Natives of Australia208

265．Pay Pounds for the Ounces210

264．Only My Knittings210

263．The Better Half210

262．Visiting the Statcly Homes210

266．A Handkerchief212

267．How Wealthy212

268．The Doctor Says212

269．The Wife’s Worr214

270．A Treasure Book214

271．How about the Ladies214

275．What Happens to Liars216

277．The Telephone Girl216

276．She’s Married216

273．A Hair-Raising Story216

274．Is He Rich216

272．Beer！216

278．Into One’s Eye218

279．Why You Talked like That218

280．The Office Boy Did218

285．Losing One’s Head220

284．How to Get the Paint Off220

282．The Lion Trainer’s Income220

283．To Drink from Bottles220

281．In a Corn Field220

286．I Cannot Face Them222

287．Reading the Daily News222

288．He Laid Down His Arms222

289．Trying Not to222

293．Sticking the Stamp On224

292．In My Pyjamas224

291．What Country？224

290．Take a Stool with You224

294．At a Music Shop226

295．What’s a Female Sheep？226

296．Pepper228

297．In Hawaii228

298．Some Ice228

299．Which Won？230

300．Tommy’s Learning to Smoke230